The Institute Screw 

A song heard frequently on WTBS campus radio at MIT in the late 1960s

(Lyric authors, M Fichtenbaum and Dan Murphy, the Doormat Singers)

As I walked out one May morning down by a shady route
I met with Howard Johnson the keeper of the 'Tute
He said unto Dean Wadleigh, "I decree it now the law,
Before these kids get out of here they'll be screwed right to the wall."

Tell me of the nitrate ring and what's in this unknown,
Integrate ln x dx, find the volume of this cone,
Prove momentum is conserved, now answer my questions all.
And be sure to pass that final quiz or be screwed right to the wall.

My test tube broke, I've got no ring, I've spilled all my unknown.
My CRC book is not here; my slide rule is at home.
If the plugs don't bounce, the trains don't spring, my cum is gonna fall.
And unless I pass that final quiz I'll be screwed right to the wall.

What is Avogadro's number? Tell me if you will.
How much ice cream would you use, a one inch cube to fill?
Who are the daughters of King Lear? Now answer my questions all.
And be sure to pass that final quiz or be screwed right to the wall.

Don't know Avogadro's number; he don't got no phone.
You don't put ice cream in a cube, you put it in a cone.
This king's girls I'd like to meet if they're not from McCormick Hall
One more day and I just might be screwed right to the wall.

This hour tomorrow you must bring me problems 1 through 9.
Write a theme on Odyssey, ten pages would be fine.
Do this lab and read that book, now tool one and all.
And be sure and pass that final quiz or be screwed right to the wall.

My friend's a genius; he will give me problems 1 through 9.
The bible of a sophomore will have the needed lines.
The lab's not done, the book's not read, there's a party down the hall.
I think I'll join them though I might be screwed right to the wall.

Now the year is over frosh, you've passed not one lone course.
You've squandered all your tooling time, you leave me no recourse.
Nineteen hundred down the drain, I hope you've had a ball.
Tech is Hell, I'm sure you know, you've been screwed right to the wall.

TECH IS HELL, I'm sure you know, YOU'VE BEEN SCREWED RIGHT TO THE WALL.

Transcribed by John Niles, MIT '68, from a copy made in the 1960s.

Another copy of an earlier version (earlier president, lower tuition!) is at http://www.opost.com/dlm/bside.html